Monty Sauron and the Quest for the One Ring
by Katarina Freeman
Summary: *Chapter seven is up* Can't you just see it with sickening clarity? Nine black cloaked figures, all clapping coconuts together as they go on their quest? Very silly. Be afraid. And then R&R.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Monty Python belongs to Monty Python, and LotR belongs to Tolkein and New Line Cinema (amung others). No money is made off this production, and no copyright infringement is intended.  
  
**Author's note:** Yeah. Wow. Monty Python + Ringwraiths = Katarina's gone insane. I'm having fun writing this, but I'm still in shock at the absurdity of it all. The idea came while my best friends and I were walking down a nice dirt country rode. We figured out how to make wraith-like sounds (don't ask), and were practicing them. One of us let out a particularly loud and erie screech, which echoed through the hills. A short silence, and the wind began to rustle through the trees. One of us (I can't remember which) looked down the path and yelled "Get off the road!" Being the nutcases we were, we leapt (OK, more like stumbled) over the stone wall and hid, waiting for the ominous wind to pass. Then we all looked at each other and proclaimed our sillyness. After that it was only a short mental leap (stumble) onto the idea of tall, cloaked figures clopping coconuts as they pretended to ride. ::Takes a deep breath:: Anyway, please R&R!  
  
**P.S.** Stay tuned an you'll get to see my demented twist on "The Knights of the Round Table."  
  
  
**Monty Sauron and the Quest for the One Ring**  
_Prologue_  
  
    In the deep shadow of the night, a scream as cold as the winter wind pierced the dark air. In the blue incandescent fog a black figure, trailing a long cloak, walked. The wretched thing let out another tortured scream, then cleared its throat and said in a British accent:  
    "Ahem. Dreadful case of the hiccups, this is."  
    Danny the Ringwraith fanned the fog away from his face and sat on a slimy stump of a tree. There he sat for good long time, feeling tortured and restless as all wraiths with nothing better to do should.  
    From somewhere off in the dismal depths of Danny's decrepit dungeon there was the sound of hoofbeats. Danny raised an eyebrow, and stopped feeling miserable for a moment. Silence. Then it came again, louder this time. Danny sighed... couldn't passing travellers leave him alone? He rather enjoyed being depressed.  
    "Ah well," he said, unsheating his poisonous, deadly, and all around unpleasant sword. He stood from the log and strode toward the intruder, whistling.  
    The "clop clopp"ing of hoofbeats drew nearer. Danny gave another hiccup, filing the air with the erie screech. The hoofbeats ceased a moment. Then another screech filled Danny's ears, but not from his own diaphragm. His eyes widened and he stopped. He clutched the hilt of his sword tighter and waited.  
    Clop clop, clop clop, came the hoofbeats now. Danny did not know what was coming, but he did not want to meet anything as unpleasant as himself.  
    "Is someone there?" came a raspy voice through the fog. Another screech, and Danny heard a muttered, "Darn these hiccups."  
    The hoofbeats started up again and Danny squinted through the fog, watching for the rider. Through the mists came two arms, holding two halves of... something round. It pressed them together, making a "clop" everytime they hit.  
    "Who goes there?" Danny yelled, and the thing stopped. The arms turned so they were facing him.  
    "Who are you?" Danny asked again.  
    "Do not harm me, fellow wraith," the voice said, moving the halves in its hands as it spoke. "For I bring no harm to you. You are alone and restless, are you not?"  
    "Of course I am," Danny grumbled. "Aren't you?"  
    "Oh no, brother wraith!" the voice said. "I was before... but you must be the Ninth! We have been searching for you!"     The arms moved slowly forward, the black figure emerging from the fog. The stirring of voilins could be heard, and a drum pounded ominously.  
    Danny turned off his stereo and sheathed his sword.  
    "So, you are a wraith like me?" he said, looking the black cloaked figure up and down.  
    In answer, the wraith screeched. "Yes. And it appears we both have the same problem."  
    "What is that?" Danny asked, then hiccup-screeched. "Ah yes, that."  
    "The hiccups have come to you slowly in the past few years, have they not? Only a few at first... but they now grow so thick it is hard to be miserable in peace."  
    "Indeed," Danny nodded.  
    "So it has been for me. And the seven others."  
    "Others?" Danny asked.  
    "Yes, the others. We are all Ringwraiths, just like you. Put on this earth for who-knows-what purpose. Created by the rings the great Lord Sauron gave us, just as he gave you."  
    Danny pulled up his sleeve, looking at his ring. "'Nine for mortal men doomed to die...' yes, I suppose that makes sense. But uh, what do you intend to do about these hiccups?"  
    "Go to see Lord Sauron himself, of course!" the wraith said and gave another particularly loud screech. "Excuse me. I introduce myself as Brett, the First Ringwraith."  
    Brett and Danny shook hands, and Brett smiled. "So, will you ride with us?"  
    Danny nodded, then stopped. "How can I ride with you? You haven't got any horses, have you?"  
    "Horses?" the Brett guffawed. "Who needs horses? They're a thing of the past, and far too expensive I'm afraid. But here..." he reached into his back pockets and pulled out two coconuts. "Take these."  
    Danny gave the coconuts a "clop clop" and felt himself jump forward. He and Brett rode out of the Nasty Place, onward to the other wraiths. 


	2. The Quest

**A/N:** Featuring the scene where God/Sauron informs the wraiths of their quest. If you love Monty Python, give a shout!  
  
    Brett introduced Danny to all the other Ringwraiths. There was Matt the Second; Matthew (his brother) the Third; Lori the Fourth; Daniel the Fifth; Julie the Sixth, Tim the Seventh; and Katy the Eighth.  
    "Very good to finally meet the last of us all!" Julie said, shaking Danny's hand.  
    "Yes, you don't know how long we've been searching," said Daniel. "It didn't take nearly so long to find _me_, I can say that."  
    "Brett thought you might be here," Tim the Seventh grumbled, "so he made us skip that nice Inn with good food. Thanks a heap."  
    Brett gathered the wraiths around in a circle, and motioned for Danny to take his place amung them.  
    "Wraiths," he said. "We are all together at last."  
    "Hey wait a minute..." Lori piped up. Brett frowned down at her. "How are you sure that's all of us?" she asked.  
    "Hey, she's right!" Katy said. "How do we know there are only nine of us?"  
    "Because... because we just do," Brett waved off their comments.  
    "But you can't just _know_ anything. Not unless it's divine knowledge. Is it divine knowledge?" Matt asked.  
    "No it's not divine knowledge!" cried Brett. "I just know, that's all!"  
    By now the wraiths were muttering amungst themselves.  
    "There could be a tenth..." one muttered.  
    "Just shut up!" Brett yelled.  
    "Hey, how do we even know we're called wraiths? Ringwraiths at that?" Tim asked innocently.  
    "SHUT UP! Shut up shut up shut UP!" Brett yelled. "It's divine knowledge, OK???"  
    At this, all the wraiths stopped their arguing and looked up at Brett in a new light.  
    "Sure, he says it's divine knowledge," Danny heard Lori mutter under her breath. "But I bet he just _knows_."  
    "Right!" Brett continued. "What we're going to do now that we have all our members is travel to Mordor and ask Sauron's spirit to rid us of these dreadful hiccups. Now I'd like to remind you all that Sauron is one of the most powerful forces in Middle Earth, so _please_ mind yourselves around him. Besides, I hear he's been feeling a bit grumpy lately."  
    "How do you know that?" Daniel asked, and Brett glared at him.  
    "Come along, follow me," Brett said and clopped East.  
    They travelled for days, but their valiant seeds [steeds? geddit?] never grew tired or asked to slow the pace. At long last they reached Mordor.  
    It was early dawn and Danny lay on the ground with his newfound friends. They had just settled down for the day on the slopes of the mountains surrounding the dark land, and the sunlight was already making him sleepy. Although he wasn't too sure of this group's quest, he was at least glad to be with others of his own kind.  
    "Brett!" he heard a harsh whisper. He sat up and looked at the eight surrounding him, all of which were sleeping.  
    "Brett!" the voice called again, as though from the empty mountains themselves.  
    "BRETT!" said the voice, this time right next to Danny. He looked up to see a tall, ominous figure wearing full-metal armor.  
    "Brett, I think you should wake up now," Danny whispered and tugged at Brett's cloak. Brett blinked sleepily into the sun, then saw who was standing before him.  
    "Brett, leader of wraiths! It is I, Sauron!" The tall armored man said. Brett's eyes widened and he thrust himself at the ground, bowing so low his nose touched the dirt.  
    "Oh, don't grovel!" Sauron said. He removed his horned helmet to reveal a man's head with curly brown hair. "If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling."  
    "Sorry!" Brett said, nose still touching the ground. By now, more of the wraiths were awake.  
    "And don't apologize!" Sauron bellowed. "Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'." As he spoke, he tried to look Brett in the face, but Brett would always turn away. "What are you doing now!?"     "I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord and Master."  
    "Well, don't. It's like those miserable poems; 'in the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.' So depressing. Now knock it off!  
    "Yes, Lord," Brett said, still not looking at Sauron.  
    "Right! Now, Brett, leader and gatherer of Ringwraiths - you and your fellow undead are to make an example in these cheerful times."  
    "Good idea, oh Lord Sauron!" Matt said.  
    "Of COURSE it's a good idea you lugnut!" Sauron clenched his fist. Danny winced, fearing Matt would be punched in the face. But instead a gold band materialized on Sauron's finger. "Behold!" The wraiths crept forward for a better view. "Wraiths, this is the One Ring. Look well, wraiths, for it is your job to find this Ring. That is your purpose in life: the Quest for the One Ring."  
    "Yes, of course good Lord Sauron," Brett said, 'averting his eyes' once more. "But... we have a small request of you."  
    Sauron sighed. "And what is that?"  
    "We... we ask that..." Brett began to tremble, and could not get out his question under Sauron's gaze.  
    Danny stepped forward. "We ask that you help us be rid of these (screech!) hiccups!"  
    "Really?" Sauron quirked an eyebrow. "If you complete this quest, then we shall see."  
    With that, Sauron floated into the sky, and his spirit screamed back in the general direction of the Dark Tower. The wraiths stood on the top of the mountain, staring at one another.  
    From his sleeping spot at the back of the speechless wraiths, Tim yawned.  
    "Hey guys, why are you all up? What'd I miss?"  



	3. Limbs

**A/N:** Alrighty folks, someone gets their arms and legs chopped off. After writing this chapter I considered changing the rating to PG-13. But considering MP's Holy Grail is rated PG, I think we're OK.  
  
    The wraiths set out at the crack of dusk. They had no idea where the ring was, but they assumed it would not be in Mordor because then Sauron would know where it was.  
    "Perhaps it slipped down his bath-drain?" Julie mused as they rode.  
    "Shut up," Brett commanded. "But still," he said. "We have no idea where it is."  
    Just then they heard a tormented cry from over the fields.  
    "PRECIOUSSSSSS! OH where are you my precious? Where are you my beautiful ring-that-glows-in-elvish-dialect-when-thrown-into-fire? Precioussss!"  
    Brett motioned for his wraiths to hurry up. "Right! Let us find this creature and see what it can tell us."  
    The black riders spurred their seeds onward until they came upon a green, gangly creature that hobbled on two legs. It screamed angrily when they surrounded it.  
    "Greetings, green one!" Brett called out. The thing snarled up at him.  
    "Leeeeave me be!" it hissed.  
    "Er... sorry, we can't." Brett closed the circle around him. "We're searcing for the One Ring, which-"  
    "Oh, Precioussss!" the thing cried and buried its head in its hands. "Smeagol wails for Precious, Smeagol laments..."  
    "Yes yes, that's nice," Brett said impatiently. "We are the Ringwraiths and you seem to know something about the One Ring. You will tell us."  
    "No!" the creature spat.  
    Brett sighed. "I'm sorry, but you shall have to tell us or we'll torture you."  
    Smeagol looked quite perturbed at this. Panicking, he tried to leap between Katy and Danny. Katy, who was quick with a sword, sliced his arm off and he fell backward.  
    "Ah HA!" Brett said as blood poured from Smeagol's stump of an arm. But he stopped laughing when he saw the thing was grinning.  
    "Now that you've been de-limbed will you not tell us where the ring is?"  
    "De-limbed, he says, Precious..." the creature purred. "But it's only a scratch!"  
    "Only a scratch?" Brett said incredulously. "Your arm's off!"  
    "Ha HA!" Smeagol said. "It'ss right here! Come on, you panssssy!"  
    Brett dismounted and walked up to Smeagol, sword ready. Smeagol leapt from foot to foot, his remaining hand balled to a fist. Brett looked around at the other wraiths, who shrugged. In one clean swipe the creature's other arm lay on the ground.  
    "Victory is ours," Brett smirked as he turned to walk back to his place. But he got a very nasty kick in the backside as he did.  
    "Come on! Let'ss have at it!"  
    Brett turned to see Smeagol standing before him, teeth bared.  
    "Look, you've got no arms left. The fight is mine."  
    "Just a flesssh wound!" As Smeagol said this he rushed at Brett, and this time Matthew reached in and cut off both of the thing's legs.  
    "Alright..." Smeagol pushed himself onto the bloody stumps with a quick neck movement. "It'sss a draw. I will tell you about My Precious if you promise to bring her back to me."  
    Brett studied Smeagol. "You're in no shape to negotiate."  
    "I'll bleed on you!"  
    "Alright alright," Brett said. "It's a draw."  
    Brett bowed, and Danny could see the hand behind his back had two fingers crossed.  
    "Baggins!" Smeagol said in a high wail, startling them all. "Shire!" Then he stopped, sniffed the air, and looked off in the distance. Danny looked and could see a rider in gray on the ridge above them. "Brett, look!"  
    Brett turned. "We can leave this creature where it is! We must follow the rider!"  
    "But..." Gollum hissed, inching his way up to Brett. "You said you would-"  
    In answer, Brett the First held up his hand to show two crossed fingers. Gollum cried out, and Danny saw the gray rider flee. Brett looked up as well, then sped up the hill. Gollum shouted after him.  
    "Afraid of my wrath, you tricky black-robed thing? I'll bite your legssss off!"  
    Danny shook his head and followed the others.  



	4. Isengard

**A/N:** I know this chapter is really short, but c'mon, you know you want to hear The Song. Enjoy, and thanks to the people who have reviewed within the first hours of this story's uploading! ::Big grin::  
  
**P.S.** The word "Nard," according to RhymeZone.com, is: "an aromatic ointment used in antiquity." Thank you, thank you.  
  
    Danny rode lazily, yawning as the sun peeked over the distant mountains. While they had quickly lost sight of the gray rider, they had found out from a peasant (who strangely became very cooperative whenever they hiccupped) that the Shire was a few days' journey from Isengard. Knowing that Saruman was a friend of Sauron, they decided to rest up at the tower.  
    Danny listened idly to Katy and Brett speak of science and debate the shape of middle-earth, which for all he knew was like that of a banana.  
    Katy opened her mouth to rebut Brett, but she was interrupted by Matthew.  
    "Look! It is Isengard!" cried he.  
    "Isengard!" Danny breathed, and all around him the wraiths whispered in awe at the tall black spike in the distance.  
    "It's only a computor-generated three-dimensional backround," Daniel retorted.     "Shhh!" Brett said, and smiled at the black figures behind him. "Fellow wraiths, I bid you welcome to your new place-to-spend-the-day. Let us ride... to Isengard!"  
    But as they drew closer they could hear a song from within. Deep, rumbling voices seemed to quake up from the very depths of the earth and sing merrily:  
  
_        We're the orcs of Isengard  
        We dance without much regard  
        To the tortured screams  
        And ruptured seams  
        Of trees pulled from Sarumon's yard  
        We make weapons armies and eat lard  
        All of these done here at Isengard!  
  
        We're the orcs of Isengard  
        We've made the countryside nice and scarred  
        Though we confess, we cause distress  
        With our songs oh so avant-garde,  
        We really could use a hired bard  
        For our chantings here at Isengard!  
  
        Those Uruk Hai sure are hard  
        They even hurt our orcish guard  
        He's had surgery and as you can see  
        We sent him a get-well card  
        It's a tough life here in Isengard
_  
  
    There was a pause, and then the wraiths heard Saruman's deep voice in a melencholy solo:  
  
        _These orcs could use a lot of nard..._  
  
    Brett wrinkled his brow, then turned to the other wraiths. "On second thought, let's not go to Isengard." He shook his head sadly. "'Tis a silly place."  
    The wraiths nodded and muttered in agreeance, and they set out for a quieter camp.  



	5. A Stench in the Light

**A/N:** Contrary to the suspicions of some, this story was created while completely sober. No coffee, no sugar but brownies (the regular kind), and I've never tried drugs in my life (lol, thanks for the review Pheonix). So's you all know... THIS is what it's like to be in the mind of me. Mind you, this is at it's scariest. But still...  
  
    It was not long before the Ringwraiths reached the Shire. The place being far too cheerful for any of their likings, they decided to send only one of their number to find this "Shire Baggins."  
    Julie stepped bravely forth. "I will go, Brett the First!"  
    Brett looked at her. "No."  
    "What about me, Brett?" Katy asked.  
    "Well er... we need your sword skills here."  
    Lori took Katy's place. "Shall I go...?"  
    "I've just decided!" Brett interrupted, "That Danny shall be the one to search for the Shire Baggins!" Brett clapped Danny on the shoulder, smiling. "Off with you now!"  
    As Brett commanded, Danny went on into the dangerously happy land. Though he had enough rage and torment to make the giddy things shrink away from him, it was all very draining. He decided to ask a local for some help. Unfortunately, the hiccups were stronger than ever.  
    "Shire..." he managed to get out one night to one of the short folk. "(SCREECH!) Baggins!"  
    The stuttering creature directed him to Bag End, then slammed the door in his face. Danny wondered if there was tea inside.  
    "Ah well, I'd best be off."  
  
* * *  
  
    "It's not fair, you know. Simply because I'm the new guy I'm sent on the errand nobody wants."  
    Danny grumped and griped as he rode along the path. Then something on the wind caught his ears. A faint singing... he rode onward, listening closely. At last he could make out the words from around the road-bend:  
  
_        Bravely Master Frodo, rode forth from his Bag End.  
        He was not afraid to die, O Brave Frodo.  
        He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.  
        Brave, brave, brave, Master Frodo!  
        He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,  
        Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.  
        To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,  
        And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Master Frodo!  
        His head smashed in and his heart cut out,  
        And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,  
        And his nostrils taped and his bottom burned off,  
        And his...
_  
  
    "Sam, I think that's enough!" another voice gasped. The wind then picked up, and the same voice yelled: "GET OFF THE ROAD!!!"  
    From where he stood, Danny could hear the creatures stumble and grunt as they crashed through the undergrowth.  
    "Ow! Pippin, get off of my knees!"  
    "Well only if you'll take your foot out of my face!"  
    Danny rode cautiously forward. He could see four short creatures all trying to hide beneath a gangly root. They spoke in loud whispers, until one shushed the others so loudly that the birds startled.  
    Danny dismounted his seed and walked up to the creatures. As he grew nearer, a terrible smell overtook his nostrils. He fell forward and grasped the root to keep himself from collapsing out of shock. Apparently the bugs living by this root had noticed as well, for they scurried quickly away.  
    Just then Danny hiccupped, perhaps saving himself from losing all sense and collapsing from the stench. He turned and fled, riding away from the foul things.  
  
* * *  
  
    "Well, that was close," Merry said, brushing himself off as they continued down the road.  
    "Indeed. What do you think all that sniffing was about?" Sam asked.  
    Pippin shrugged and let out a belch. The three of them noticed Frodo was not walking in line anymore. They turned to see him staring down the road again.  
    "Frodo?" Sam asked, quickly at his friend's side. "What's the matter?"  
    "Shh!" Frodo put a finger to his lips and listened. Just as he suspected; another gust of wind was on its way.  
    "Right. We've got to get off the road."  
    "Not again," Pippin moaned, and they stumbled over the brambles into some tall grass. 


	6. Directions

**A/N:** For once I have nothing to say. Oh shoot, I just said something!  
  
    When Danny arrived at Bag End he found it to be empty and deserted.  
    "Oh, Mister Baggins?" one of the hobbits shouted, as was Danny keeping his distance. "Ye won't find him here no more. He's moved to Buckland."  
    The hobbit motioned at the path behind him, then went back to his work. Danny stood and waited for him to move out of the way. When he didn't, Danny held his breath, gritted his teeth, and rode forward. As he approached the hobbit he could feel the pungeunt aura sting at his eyes, which he squeezed shut. He heard a mangled scream pass under him. Once he had ridden far enough away he turned to see the hobbit lying there, trampled.  
    "Well!" the creature stood up. "That wasn't very nice, was it?"  
    "Dreadfully sorry," Danny muttered and rode on. He had wasted the whole evening riding to Bag End, and might not reach Buckland by dayfall. After many hours of riding, he decided to let his seed rest for a bit. He walked her off the road to a ridge overlooking the Shire. Just then he let out a rather loud hiccup. It echoed over the hills, and all was silent a moment. Then he heard another screech not far to the east. From the sound of it, Brett was already at Buckland.  
    Danny turned his mount toward the road. Or the direction he thought the road was... for some reason it was not to be found. He turned back to the ridge, got his bearings, and tried again. No such luck. He was quite certain he was going right _this_ time when-  
    "Ugh!" he cried, as a terrible smell reached his nostrils.  
    CRASH! Danny turned to his right, and saw the four halflings who had tried to hide earlier that night.  
    "Excuse me," Danny said pleasantly, trying to stifle his disgust. He was about to ask if they could direct him to the road, but right then he let out another hiccup.  
    The hobbits looked up at him with wide eyes. Then the one they called Frodo screamed: "RUN!"  
    "Ex- excuse me!" Danny called after them. "SCREECH!" he hiccuped. "No, I just want to- SCREECH! Oh, dash it all..." he rode after the hobbits, a fit of screeches taking him.  
    "I (SCREECH!) just want (SCREECH!) to know (SCREECH!) where the rode is (SCREECH!)!" He slowed, realizing he had lost the creatures. He was completely disoriented now. He cursed himself for following them.  
    Then one of them looked out from behind a tree.  
    "Ah (SCREECH!) HA!"  
    The hobbits ran. Danny attempted to stop one of them, seperating him from the group.  
    "Look you bloody creature I just want directions to the road!" he tried to say through multiple hiccups.  
    "Frodo! Follow me!" one of them yelled from behind, and Frodo ran. Danny tore after him, weaving in and out of trees. At last they came to the end of the forest, and Danny could see a dock up ahead which held a ferry. So angered by the rude hobbits was he that he forgot the road was now under his feet, and pushed after them. Three of them reached the ferry and began untying it, pushing off. Frodo ran and leapt to the already floating ferry, and Danny halted his coconut mount to keep from splashing in behind him.  
    "SCREECH!" was all that they heard, though if Danny could have spoken the words he'd say would have been more venomous than that.  
    He stood there on the dock, watching the hobbits float away.  
    "Ha ha!" Merry yelled. "You cannot reach us! We blow raspberries at your creator!"  
    Danny could hear a shrill noise behind him, but barely. He was breathing and screeching uncontrollably.  
    "Danny!" he heard Brett's voice say. "Danny, it's alright."  
    "I just wanted to know where the bloody road was!" Danny seethed as Pippin made a rude gesture with his bare backside.  
    "Danny, you pursued the Ringbearer valiantly. We'll catch him up on the other side."  
    "Ringbearer??? I just wanted directions from the stupid prat!"  
    "Yes... of course." Brett glanced over his shoulder at the other seven. "But Danny, we must hurry. It's 20 miles to the next crossing."  
    Danny spat into the river as the laughing hobbits dissapeared into the fog. 


	7. From Buckland to Bree

**A/N:** Sorry it took so long to get this chapter up... sorry if it's lame... but I am GOING to finish this story of it kills me. The ringwraiths must ride on!  
  
    "Stupid Shire... bloody Baggins... no-good rotton ring..."  
    Brett cast a concerned eye at the ninth ringwraith. He had been muttering under his breath (and hiccups) ever since they had met the ringbearer.  
    "Perhaps it's for the best," Brett thought, "that he take it personally."  
    "Sir Brett!" Matt called from ahead. "Buckland lies but a few miles ahead. I can see the lights!"  
    Danny did not even look up from his frustrated mutterings. Brett really did envy that wraith's ability to hold a grudge.  
    "Right. Be sure to make lots of noise as we get closer... we wouldn't want to be stealthy in any way." The other wraiths nodded approvingly.  
    "Baggins..." Danny breathed. "Baggins... Baggins..."  
  
    Somewhere in Bree, Frodo Baggins spun a golden ring between his fingers. When he held it, somehow the world didn't seem such a bad place. If it were to but slip on his finger... just a moment...  
    "Baggins..." Frodo jumped in his seat, opening his eyes. The inn was darker... all seemed gone save a black cloaked figure. It held a silver knife and looked down at him through an empty black hood.  
    "Baggins..." it said in a harsh whisper. "Baggins..."  
    Frodo cried out and leapt from his chair, hand flying to the ring. There. He felt comfort run through him. He drew it from his pocket and began to slip it on.  
    "Master Frodo! What are you do-" the midsection of the creature yelled, but too late. Before he could stop himself the ring was on his finger. He heard a gasp from all around, and suddenly knew he was invisible. He felt it.  
    And the world changed around him.  
  
    Danny stopped abruptly, drawing a quick breath resulting in a screech. He coughed and sputtered on his own saliva, finally falling off his mount to the ground. Three other wraiths rushed to his side.  
    "Danny, are you alright?" Katy shook his arm.  
    "Danny, what's the matter?" Lori leaned closer.  
    "Someone get help!" Julie yelled.  
    Brett narrowed his eyes. Why hadn't he thought of feining death before?  
    There was a silence where Danny made no sound... and then they all felt it. As the thoughts graced their minds Danny spoke.  
    "Baggins is at Bree."  
  
    Frodo could suddenly see through the cloak. Pippin sat on Merry's shoulders and Merry on Sam's. Sam staggered, looking concerned, while Merry and Pippin high-fived. "We sure got him!" they said.  
    But their voices sounded distorted. Distant.  
    And everything was... pink. Blue. Green. Yellow.  
    Tie dye.  
    There seemed to be a light somewhere, the source of all this... color. The sound of music played from somewhere as well.  
    Frodo scrambled away from the other three, tripping them on his way. "That'll show them," he muttered. Then it hit him. If he was invisible...  
  
    "Ow! Sam, why'd you have to kick me?"  
    "It wasn't me, Pip, I swear!"  
    "Oh just get your hair out of my elbow!"  
    Sam shoved the others off and looked around. "Master Frodo?" several Big Ones looked down at him in dangerous curiosity. "Master Frodo?" he called again. A scream issued from the other end of the tavern. With Merry and Pippin's help, Sam pushed through the crowd to see.  
    "Well I NEVER!" a flustered looking woman shouted and slapped a dark-cloaked figure across the face. She stormed from the bar, the man looking around wildly.  
    Frodo suddenly appeared, snickering. He had not seen the man glaring at him. Sam rushed forward, but too late. The man leapt from his seat, grabbed the hobbit, and ran up the stairs.  
  
    "What do you mean we need a photo ID?!?" Brett shouted at the face through the door. "We are the Ringwraiths! The Nazgul! The Nine Mortal Men doomed to die!"  
    "Look sir, on behalf of the government of Bree I'm sorry for any inconvenience," the teenage watchman said in a monotone drawl. "But you'll understand we must take certain precautions to ensure our safety." He paused as though trying to remember the rest. "Have a nice day."  
    The little door slammed shut, leaving the wraiths in the rain. Brett seethed, turning from the door and pacing.  
    "Brett..." Danny said. "As much as I'm glad to see you so miserable it does us no good standing out here."  
    "You have a better idea?" Brett said through clenched teeth.  
    "Actually," Danny said, oblivious to the three undead females hanging on his every word. "I do."  
  
    "I- I'm sorry!" Frodo said to the man who had thrown him so violently into the private room. "I accidentally bumped up against her and-"  
    "Yeah, yeah, heard it a hundred times." The man paused a moment, looking Frodo up and down with a single eye gleaming under his hood. "What's a hobbit doing in Bree anyway?" He paused again. "Wait. Wait, I know you. You're the one with the ring..."  
    The door banged open behind them.  
    "Leave him alone or I'll... I'll skewer you with a sconce!" Sam said from just outside the door. The man turned and laughed.  
    "Ah, so you are a good guy. Well then, all's excused. Now, we have to get a room at the other inn."  
    Frodo shook his head. This was all happening too fast.  
    "Why?"  
    "Why?" the man repeated. "Because we must, that's all. Oh, and fill these beds with hay to make it look like someone is sleeping here. And tell the landlord you'll be staying in this room." He saw the look the hobbits were giving him. "What? It's a tradition in Bree."  
  
    The wraiths pushed all at once, heaving the giant wooden bunny to the door.  
    "Alright, that's enough." Brett said, wiping sweat from his brow. He leaned to Danny. "What now?"  
    "Now we leave it for the watchman to find. He'll think it's a gift and take it in."  
    "Hello?" a voice said from behind the door. The wraiths scattered to the bushes where they sat and watched.  
    "Hello- oh." The eyes inspected the rabbit. "Well uh..." the watchman scratched his head. "Okay. I guess I'd like to see some ID, please."  
    The rabbit stood in the pattering rain, not moving.  
    "Look, I need photo ID or you can't come in," the watchman sighed. "Sir, if I could just see some..."  
    "Alright, alright, no need to say it again." The rabbit creaked as it reached into its pocket and removed a wooden card, which it presented to the teen.  
    "Welcome to Bree." The watchman opened the door and the rabbit wheeled itself in.  
    From the bushes, Brett uttered a low growl.  
    "Who... who was it that carved the rabbit's pockets?"  
    Daniel, who had just been whittling a credit card out of oak, turned to Brett. "Oh, I did! Great detail, huh?"  
    "NAAAAAHGGGGGGGHHHHH!" Brett cried and ran at the door. Shrugging their shoulders, the wraiths stood and followed their leader, running headfirst into the door. In a shower of splinters it fell to the ground, and Brett delighted in the feel of the boy underneath.  
    "I'd like to see some photo-"  
    Brett hiccoughed again and ran into the city, his wraiths following him.  
    It did not take them long to find the inn where the ringbearer was staying. The landlord took one look at their sharp swords and happily directed them to the room himself.  
    "Alright, now... we have to be silent this time. And look ominous... that's right, look at Matthew, he's got it right."  
    Matthew held his sword at his chest, grinning and glaring with flame in his eyes.  
    "Yes, I'd like to ask that bloody hobbit for directions again..." Danny muttered and stepped forward. He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Brett.  
    "Soon we shall be rid of these blasted hiccups. I would like to say it's been a pleasure to travel with you." The three females nodded in agreement. Brett smiled, and realized he was savoring the past tense of his statement. He blinked in surprise at himself.  
    Danny smiled. "You as well, brother ringwraith."  
    They stepped silently into the room, swords held at ready. Danny stared down at the mass under the covers on the bed before him. He couldn't quite place it, but somehow this did not seem right.  
    Brett stared at the mass, imagining the watchman's photo-ID-asking face.  
    And he stabbed.  
    At his que the others plunged their swords as well. For a moment the room held only the sounds of ripping blankets and swishing robes.  
    "They're awefully quiet for lacerated hobbits," Brett muttered, and held up a hand. All stopped but Matthew. He stabbed a few more times, still grinning. He paused in mid-stab, looked around, then sheathed his sword and watched Brett with polite curiosity.  
    "Now I understand," Danny said. He ran his hand along one of the shredded quilts. "I knew something was wrong. The hobbits," he looked up at Brett, "smell awful. And there is no such smell here."  
    "You fools!" came a rumbling voice that shook the walls. "You must find the ring, and soon. I shall remind you of what is at stake."  
    And the voice stopped, the walls still. All stood in silence, waiting for some terrible death blow.  
    Lori hiccuped.  
    "Sorry," she muttered, and they continued to wait.  
    Matt hiccuped.  
    "Shush!" Brett said impatiently, and promptly hiccuped.  
    "It's our punishment..." Danny said, and hiccuped himself. Then they hit like a wave. All hiccupped, long and dreadful screeches filling the night air.  
  
    "Well, glad we moved from that inn," Sam said to Frodo as he blew out the candle.  
    "Actually," the cloaked man said, staring out the window. "They're not so bad tonight. Usually the band is far worse." 


	8. How Revolting

    **A/N:** Woo, a long one! Sorry I didn't get to uploading this sooner. Alright, I'll stop flapping my jaw. Enjoy!  
  
    The wraiths gasped as they fleed the inn.  
    "Well that didn't work too well..." Danny muttered between breaths.  
    Brett brought them to a halt once a safe distance from the town. "I don't understand. We knew he was at Bree."  
    Lori quirked an eyebrow. "But how did we know it was that inn, though? I mean, all we knew was he was at Bree... how do we know he isn't staying at the Dancing Pony, an understated competitor, just next door?"  
    Brett and Danny looked at each other a moment, then nodded as they spoke.  
    "Divine knowledge."  
    "Divine knowledge!" Lori shouted. "This is Middle Earth, we have no gods!"  
    Neither wraith had a responce to this.  
    "Hey, she's right..." Tim took a step forward. "In fact, I've never even heard of them!"  
    "Yeah, that's right..." the other wraiths muttered in agreeance.  
    "Just shut up!" Brett said.  
    "What if we don't want to?" Dan challenged.  
    "Come to think of it," Katy said levelly. "Whoever made you leader?"  
  
    Sam watched Frodo, frowning when he noticed a bit of drool running down his face. He knelt on the bed and dabbed at his master's cheek with his sleeve. _The poor hobbit,_ he thought. _Away from his home, his family..._ Frodo moaned softly and turned away from Sam. Over Frodo's cheek Sam could see a look of pain on his friend's face.  
    "Mmmnn... my leg..." Frodo muttered and winced. Sam looked to the other hobbits, worried. Should he wake Frodo up? What if it was a nightmare?  
    "Ah!" Frodo cried loudly, clutching at the air with his hands. "My leg!" Frodo's eyes pulled violently open. He stared up at Sam, breathing in ragged gasps. He was clearly still in pain.  
    "Sam! For the love of..." Sam felt something move under one of his knees. He let out a cry of shock.  
    "SAM! Get off my leg!"  
    Sam looked down.  
    "Oh! Quite sorry master Frodo." Same spring back to his own spot. "Are you alri-"  
    "Just fine Sam," Frodo grumbled and pulled the covers tighter over his shoulders. "Now let me sleep."  
    "Yes Master Frodo," Sam piped, looking downcast.  
    Frodo squeezed his eyes shut, wondering why he had even brought that hobbit along. The sound of breathing from the others washed over him like a lullaby. He relaxed a bit and cuddled back into his pillow.  
    "Master Frodo?"  
    Tense.  
    "Yeah Sam?"  
    "I don't trust that Strider fellow."  
    Frodo turned over, squinting at his friend. "Now? Sam, it's 5:30 in the morning."  
    Sam nodded. "He told you not to wear the ring. But... well, if it makes you invisible, aren't you safer?"  
    "I don't know," Frodo sat up, scratching his hair. "Does it matter?"  
    There was a pause. Apparently Sam had no answer.  
    "What's it like being invisible?" he asked at last.  
    "I dunno Sam. It's weird. Sorta like being inside a rainbow." Frodo considered. There had been a source to all that light and color... and that music.  
    "Can I try?" Sam asked.  
    "No!" Frodo said, his hand flying to the ring. "I mean... no."  
    "But Strider's asleep..."  
    Frodo felt the ring through the cloth of his nightclothes. He would like to hear that music again...  
  
    "Biggot!"  
    "Slob!"  
    "Git!"  
    "Bastard!"  
    The wraiths gasped and drew back from Julie.  
    "You said the b-word..." Katy whispered.  
    Julie's eyes widened and tears started to form in her eyes. She burst into sobs and ran from the group.  
    "Now look what you've done!" Matt yelled. Brett shrugged.  
    "She said it, it's her own fault."  
    "Why you insensative..." Katy began.  
    "We're wraiths. We can't be anything BUT insensative," Brett said.  
    "Ugh, MEN!" Katy stormed off, closely followed by Lori.  
    Brett sighed, exasperated. Matthew, Matt, Dan and Tim glared at him.  
    "Come on now, fellows," Danny tried to be diplomatic. "Bad night, that's all."  
    "Come with us," Matt said, not taking his eyes off Brett. "We're leaving our 'leader.'"  
    "Yes but why?" Danny asked.  
    "Because we're revolting," Dan said. Then they turned to leave.  
    "You're welcome to join us," Tim said. When Danny simply stood there, the others shrugged and walked off.  
    "So..." Brett hissed. "They're revolting."  
    "I didn't think they were that bad..." Danny said, watching his undead friends leave. "I thought the girls were kinda pretty, at least..."  
    "No no no, _revolting_, not revolting!" Brett spun to Danny.  
    "Yes, that's what I said-"  
    "Like a rebellion! They don't want to follow orders anymore. Well! We'll just let them try and get along without me. They'll come back to us soon, begging me to lead them once more."  
    "Hello?" a female voice said from the bushes. Brett and Danny turned to see Katy emerging.  
    "So soon..." Brett seethed, then put on a most gracious smile. "Well, I see you simply can't live without me. I must say, however, your crimes are not without punishment-"  
    "Bugger off," Katy said, then turned to Danny. "Lori and Julie and I wanted to give you another chance to come with us. We thought the others didn't wait long enough."  
    "Uh..." Danny said, not looking at Katy but at the wraith behind her who's eyes were sprouting miniature daggers. "Uhh... no, no, that's alright. You can go on without me."  
    "You're sure?" Katy asked. Brett took a step forward and Danny pushed Katy away.  
    "Yes I'm sure! Now go!"  
    Katy a blinked a couple times, then walked reluctantly off. The only sound that remained was Brett's slow, measured breathing.  
    "Thank... you... for... being... loyal..." Brett forced out, then looked Danny in the eye. "You know I hate you, right?"  
    A scream rang from the bushes in front of them, immediately followed by that same overwhealming sensation, that same knowing...  
    Baggins is at Bree.  
    "Where in Bree, you bloody premonition?" Brett sneered.  
    You ought to respect your intuition. Slap slap.  
    Brett staggered under the blows.  
    Nonetheless... Baggins is at Bree, at the Dancing Pony.  
    "Told you so!" said a faint voice that sounded much like Lori.  
  
    Frodo could see Sam's lips moving, but couldn't hear him over the music. And that wasn't all. Now that he was spending time to look around, Frodo noticed the colors were not stationary. They circled around him in dazzling patterns, while some flickered on and off in time with... what was it, the Bee Gees?  
    Frodo glanced around for the source, noticing the light was stronger near the windows. He slid from the bed and put two hands on the sill, peering through the panes.  
    Beams of color shot from a distant pinprick of light, somewhere over the mountains. Before Frodo could turn away, however, the light grew closer at amazing speed, as though the inn had suddenly accelerated, drawn to the light.  
    Frodo lifted one hand up to eyes, fearing a crash. But then it all stopped.  
    And there it was.  
    A great glittering ball, turning slowly in the night...  
    Frodo shuddered. He had never felt such a creepy feeling in his life... well, not since he had last felt a gust of wind on the road. But his heart nearly stopped when he looked down.  
    "Oh! Ah! Yeah, that's right!" A figure danced below the great ball, finger pointing upward. He did a couple pelvic thrusts and spun on a toe.  
    Frodo toppled and screamed, pulling the ring from his finger.  



	9. Sir Legolas: The Optional Chapter

**A/N:** Ooooooh boy. Talk about riske. First off I want to say this chapter has nothing to do with the beloved ringwraiths, and you won't miss much by not reading it. It's done by request of many, and by my own morbid imaginings. Anyway... if you want to see the adventures of Legolas in Castle Anthrax ::makes a sweeping gesture:: be my guest. This is also much funnier if you've seen MP and the Holy Grail. The crudeness is all from the movie, not my fault. :-) And if you flame me for "making fun of gay people"... just don't. Those lines are taken out of the movie, got nuthin to do with me. All that said... enjoy!  
  
**Sir Legolas: The Optional Chapter**  
  
    Meanwhile, halfway across Middle Earth, we join our hero Sir Legolas the Chaste. The sunlight caught on a few golden strands of his hair, which he tucked behind a pointed ear.  
    He had been on the road to Rivendell ever since Elrond had sent word for him. Something about a ring. Well, that old elf wasn't about to get _him_ married. Legolas hummed happily to himself, drumming a tune on his chastity belt.  
    As his horse came to a hill, Legolas sensed something ahead. He clucked to the steed who halted. Tying the reins, Legolas crept the hill with bow in hand. A shadow descended the countryside as a stray cloud covered the sun. After a moments gathering of breath, Legolas leapt the last few paces to the top of the hill, knocking an arrow and pointing ahead at-  
    Legolas froze at what he saw. It was a ring alright. Great and golden, covered in runes, calling to him with a fiery light. It hovered above a darkened and moss-covered manor.  
    Forgetting his poor horse, Legolas eased his bow and replaced the arrow. For some reason that cloud had decided to drop rain, and in no small amount. Deciding he must learn about this ring (and he needed shelter besides - dancing between raindrops can be quite tiring), he jogged down the hill to the old building. He knocked on the wooden door with a fist. At first there was no responce. Then the door swung open.  
  
  
_**You have just entered Castle Anthrax_  
  
**Zoot**: helloooo legolas  
**Legolas**: Hello... ma'am. I'm quite sorry to bother you but I saw a ring outside your house and-  
**Zoot**: what ring? o look! ur hurt. Let me help u  
_**LegolasFan has entered the room_  
_**MYELF has entered the room_  
**Zoot: **girlz! we have a elf who needs medical attention right away  
**MYELF: **LOL  
**LegolasFan:** OMG! He is like, so hot!  
**Legolas: **No no, I should be fine.  
**Zoot: **nonesense! here, come sit on this bed.  
**Legolas: **::Sits on the bed:: Thank you but...  
**LegolasFan: **No butts but yours, cutie! Now sit down. We're professionals. Right myelf?  
**MYELF: **SURE WE ARE LOL  
**Legolas: **::Lies down::  
**LegolasFan: **::gropes him - for injuries::  
**Legolas: **AAAAaaaactually I think I'll be just fine. ::Stands::  
**Zoot: **no legolas! dont go  
**Legolas: **Well, unless you have this ring I really I should be going...  
_**mewanthuneyelf has entered the room_  
_**ILuvLegolas4343 has entered the room_  
**Legolas: **Good Lord.  
**mewanthuneyelf:** oooooh its Legolas  
**Zoot: **yeah he came here out of the rain!  
**ILuvLegolas4343: **Well He Should Know That We Are Nothing But Fan Girls Between The Ages Of Eleven And Thirteen.  
**MYELF: **LOL YOU DONT HAVE TO CAPS EVERYTHING LOL  
**Zoot: **ah, true! and we have no one to protect us. all we can do is sing.  
**LegolasFan:** and make exotic underware!  
**Legolas: **::Gulp:: How... nice.  
**ILuvLegolas4343: **Speak For Yourself MyElf.  
**mewanthuneyelf: **hey leggy wanna go to a private room  
_**ElvenGirl1985 has entered the room_  
**Legolas: **Thank you, I'm just looking for that ring...  
**MYELF: **LOL ILUVLEGOLAS WHEN U DO THAT ITS LIKE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS IMPORTANT LOL  
_**Zoot has left the room_  
**ElvenGirl1985: **What ring?  
**Legolas: **The ring... outside the castle...  
**ILuvLegolas4343:** Well It Sounds Like You're Shouting.  
**MYELF: **WHATEVER LOL  
**ElvenGirl1985: **Oh no! Zoot put the One Ring beacon out again!  
**Legolas: **Beg pardon?  
**LegolasFan: **hey legolas  
**ElvenGirl1985: **Oh, this is terrible! Oh bad, naughty Zoot! You know what you must do? You must take her and give her a good spanking!  
**Legolas: **But...  
**LegolasFan: **yeah there you go about butts again! Woo hoo! Spank ME!  
**mewanthuneyelf: **yes a spanking!  
**MYELF: **LOL A SPANKING  
**ILuvLegolas4343: **Definately A Spanking.  
**ElvenGirl1985: **Yes! You must spank all of us for punishment!  
**Legolas: **Well... maybe I could stay...  
_**Zoot has entered the room_  
**Zoot: **did I hear something about a spanking??   
**mewanthuneyelf: **then... the oral sex  
**Legolas: **Rivendell can wait!  
**MYELF: **LOL THE 69  
**LegolasFan:** YAH!!!  
**Zoot: **I hope I haven't missed anything!  
_**Gandalf has entered the room_  
**Gandalf: **Legolas! I have come to save you!  
**ElvenGirl1985:** Hey he's ours!  
**LegolasFan: **ew he has a beard  
**MYELF: **LOL ITS THE WIZARD  
**ILuvLegolas4343: **You Can't Take Him.  
**Legolas: **It's alright Gandalf! I'm doing fine! I can take them all single-handed!  
**mewanthuneyelf: **yea let him take us all single handed  
**Zoot: **what? with one hand?  
**Gandalf: **There will be no handling in THIS manor! Come Legolas.  
**Legolas: **But Gandalf...  
**Zoot: **noooo he can't go!  
**ElvenGirl1985: **Legolas! We need you!  
**LegolasFan: **don't take his cute butt away!  
**ILuvLegolas4343:** Bye Bye Legolas.  
**mewanthuneyelf: **o yea you know what those two are gonna do when they leave  
**MYELF: **LOL  
_**Gandalf has left the room_  
_**You have left Castle Anthrax_  
  
    "Gandalf... just... let go!" Legolas pulled his cloak from the wizard's grip. "I was doing just fine until you came along!"  
    "No you weren't, boy. You've no idea what they would have done to you. Now come along. Our ride is waiting, and giant birds can be very impatient."  
    Legolas stood, glaring at Gandalf. "Bet you're gay," he said.  
    Gandalf grunted and walked on. "Am not."  
    "Are too."  
    "Shut up."  



End file.
